Never one to bite the hand that feeds, the Chinese — particularly their elderly woman contingent — have a great respect for Lord Helios, and express their humility by hiding every inch of themselves from Him at all times in highly creative and amusing ways.
One of the most commonly accepted forms of expressing one’s Sun Terror is The Full-Face Visor
We first found ourselves dumbfounded by these as they were donned by faceless, Tron-like motoscooter riders. But then, our attention piqued, we noted their presence throughout all areas of Old Lady society — at the market, in the mall, in the Tai Chi areas of the park, in the karaoke areas of the park, in the gambling areas of the park, and of course, being lifted up in order for macabre amounts of phlegm to be delivered unto the pavement.
In order to better understand our surroundings, we sought out a pair of these visors, and in Kunming our quest was fulfilled.
So we hit the town.
But the point of purchasing a FFV wasn’t just to look terrifying in photos; we had more selfless, Christmas-y purposes.
The plan was to bestow our visor upon Devon’s beau Margie, not only because she could wear it with her Old Lady Sweatsuits and take super silly and/or cute Halloween pictures (OMGFACEBOOOK!), but because, if she happened to be sporting it while harping endlessly about something inane, we could use the latch system of the device to lower the visor and render her mute. Alternately, if we were wearing the visor and found ourselves the target of her babbling, we could close the visor and say something witty like, “Sorry Margie, closed for business!”
So it’s a good thing we left that visor in Kunming.
But there’s more! Thankfully we found a cheap batch in the northern district of Hong Kong, bought two just to be safe, and the fun times began once again.
The Fates in charge of humorous head adornments work in mysterious ways, though, and the intended recipient of the Visors, Margie, took an immediate and violent dislike to Chinese culture by discarding the first of the visors in Bangkok, then stomping upon the second with wild girly abandon after we spent the evening of her 6th Anniversary of Dealing with Devon carousing at the birthday party of a prostitute in Phuket. I guess some people just don’t get Christmas.
Below is a sampling of the last hours of our last visor.