It’s a proven opinion: now and then Western Medicine just ain’t worth its saltpeter. And you don’t have to be a boily-faced Kashmiri villager seeking counsel of the local “chicken doctor” or even a nomadic goat-herding Bakarwal smearing cow shit on your flesh wound to wonder if there might be another way.
Nope, you could be a just plain old western traveler with incendiarally itchy red splotches plaguing the whole of your godforsaken manly-bits since you couldn’t communicate with the one pharmacist you saw.
In which case, you may just stumble onto the wonders of what we call here in the East: boiling your balls. Interested? Then enjoy the following handy how-to guide!
PHASE 1: Pre-Diagnosis
Sleep in an open-roofed outbuilding on a North Indian farm, preferably in a bed infested with rodents, palm-sized spiders and, of course, as many bedbugs as possible.
- Get bitten. (Nightly, and all over your body, if possible.)
- React violently, breaking out in a systemic topical rash that not only spreads and itches everywhere — especially your dingly-danglies — but swells, inflating your face and changing its shape, rendering you unrecognizable to your travel companion and eliciting shrieks from any old Swiss ladies that may be staying nearby.
- See a pharmacist. However, make sure he doesn’t speak English and that under no circumstances do you speak his language. Instead, utilize the universal language of lifting your shirt, exposing your fat belly and mumbling unintelligibly.When he nods and reaches for pills, congratulations; you’re on your way! Probably, your travel companion may point out, to receiving diet pills.
PHASE 2: Prescription
Scratch yourself constantly and conspicuously in public places, enough that your physical discomfort soon matches that of your social. Now you’re ready.
- Find a bathroom equipped with a hot water boiler, a bucket and a bathing cup.
- Get the water as close to boiling as you think you can stand consciously. Transfer it to the bucket.
- Slip on your favorite birthday suit, fill that cup, take a deep breath, and dip that ol’ sackaballs in there, submerging it entirely.
Feel the confusing mixture of sensations:a seeming amplification of the itch factor by a million, giving way to acute burning pain, giving way to warm tingly ball boilin’ bliss. And voila! You’ve arrived at the fabled Pain-Pleasure Boundary! When all this gives way to a troubling dull nothingness…
- Insert your member. Go on. Don’t be such a pussy. Drown that snake!
- Repeat Step 5.
- For spot treatment, pour boiling water directly on bumps or other gross itchy things you can identify down in that mess of yours.
Repeat Phase 2 for at least seven days, every morning, evening, sometimes also afternoon, or, hell, any other time you want. It’s your body and consequently your business. Dig your own grave, pal.
Side Effects — The only known side effects from this procedure include but are certainly not limited to the following:
- Vast, hideous patches of dead or dying skin on he-package and inner thigh, often taking up larger areas than the rash itself.
- Impotence? At least temporarily. Not that they were trying to or anything, what with the whole sharing a bed with Steve Kaye business and all, but in our study 100% of subjects treated went at least a week without recalling ever springing even a the minorest of chubbies, let alone any full-on big ol’ honkin’ ragin’ erector sets. So there’s that.
- Spreading of rash.
Having befriended one Dr. Mike Spencer Chapman, MD, a multi-instrumentalist and real live doctor, we asked him his thoughts on our trusty treatment. His professional opinion:
“There is absolutely no medical reason I can think of for why that would work. At least for curing the rash or providing relief. If anything, I’d think it would actually make it worse. If someone were to enjoy this… boiling of his balls, I’d assume he would just be getting off on the masochistic pain-pleasure part of it.”
See what we mean? These Western Wackos just don’t get it! Godspeed, future Ball Boilers.
THIS ARTICLE SPONSORED BY:
The Ayurvedic Center for Sacred Singing-Bowl Sound Massage, Transcendental Rebirth Coaching and Dreadlock Hair Art
Dharamsala, Himachal Pradesh, India