Name: Jindal, Something
Encountered: A bench at Jokhu Temple, Shimla, Himachal Pradesh, India
According to the sign, if you climb the steep mountain path to Shimla’s fabled Jokhu Temple — a massive shrine to Hanuman the monkey-god — in 30 minutes or less, you are officially considered (by the sign, at least) extremely fit. What the sign doesn’t tell you is that, fit or otherwise, your speed will be determined by the number of pissed-off monkeys trying to rip your clothes and steal your sunglasses. Recalling our educated decision to forgo the pricey pre-trip rabies vaccination, we encountered enough of the mangy bastards to land us well into the “fit” category.
And that Hanuman must’ve been checking his sun dial, for once we sank onto a relatively rhesus macaque-free bench up top, he rewarded us with Jindal, a befuddling Indian man who shared with us some ancient Hindu wisdom, including how to “do sex” with your wife most effectively.
Tired from the climb, and uncompelled to enter a shrine and worship a monkey-god, we sat on our bench respirating in silence. Out of nowhere, or maybe from the same place whence we’d come, up came a sweaty middle-aged Indian man dressed more for managing a mudbrick production company than a brisk hike. “May I sit?” he wheezed. “This is a six-bun bench if we ever saw one,” we observed, scooching rightwards to let him on.
“Thank you!” Before he could catch his breath, he started up. “What country you from?” America!, we gloated. He seemed to like this answer. “You know Jindal? American Jindal?” he inquired. Between the two us, we knew none. “Government man?” Ah, we figured. He must mean Bobby Jindal, the voluble pro-chemical castration, anti-gay, Intelligent Design-endorsing Governor of Louisiana.
“Yes, that’s him!” our man jubilated. “I am Jindal also! All Jindals from same Jindal family, in Punjab!” Specifically, from one of 23 wealthy “money assembling” subcastes born 10,000 years ago to some king in some place called Agros. “Me, Bobby, all Jindals, this same family!”
Whatever their distance apart on the planet, we soon learned what binds these Jindal kin: sharing their insane ideas with Americans. Here are some of his:
- Hanuman appears half monkey and half human. This is because Hanuman lived during that period in human “develment” when humans and monkeys still coexisted, with some monkeys from the Monkey Kingdom being deemed brilliant enough to procreate with people in the People Kingdom.
- This was around 60,000 years ago in India, home to the oldest culture in the world
- Abraham Lincoln was a “nice person”, due to his Ghandi-esque outlook, evidenced to us in quotes and viewpoints that we did in fact remember seeing in history textbooks, albeit solely in the sections about Ghandi.
After sharing some more creative interpretations of U.S. History, and a suggestion to Steve on how to mind his breathness to dispose of his apparent hike-related angryness, Jindal disappeared. While we sat scrawling down his words, we felt a bump on the bench; he was back. A red tilaka prayer mark now decorating his forehead, Jindal had been inspired by his visit to Hanuman, and returned to share some of the monkey-god’s ancient teachings with two dudes he figured could really use them.
Or at least the most important one.
“You are married?” he asked. Neither of us were. “Ah. Well, when you are, and you do sex with your wife, do you know you can choose… uh, male or female… yes sex of child you born? You can! This is ancient method, yes, from time of Hanuman. I will tell you. You have paper and pen? Here, I show you.”
Basically, according to his words and accompanying diagram:
*Male has XY; Female has Y only. YY Made Female. XY = male (boy)
[Days you are and are not supposed to “do sex” and what it will get you]
- At time of menses of woman (total days 16)
- 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th days [bracketed off as “no touch” days]
- 6th, 8th, 10th, 12th, 14th, 16th days = male [circled]
- Other are girl
- woman sleep left side of man and become face to each other
- after 15 minute do sex boy
- if in woman will sleep in right side than child will born girl
After you do sex, Jindal explained, remember to breathe out of a specific nostril, keeping the other covered, into your wife’s specific nostril. If you do not do this part, the Hanuman Method might not work. If he told us which ones those were, we didn’t write them down. He also didn’t specify if this was for human/human procreation or human/brilliant-monkey. So experiment amongst yourselves and let us know what works for you. Then we can update the page.
Anyhow, pretty much right after he shared this with us, he smiled, shook our hands, wished us good luck and disappeared back into the ether.
Soon we made our own way back down the mountain, and found ourselves wishing he’d also taught us an ancient method to ward of the monkey descendents of Hanuman which chased and attacked us three separate times.