Wankers Lost to Time – A Master’s Thesis In Progress

To all grad school programs whom it may concern:  

The social shifts and bureaucratic intricacies of Britain in the inter-war period are well documented and largely understood by historians, but a subject that has long eluded academic study, and whose time for investigation has decidedly come, is the nature of the political and cultural landscape of the 1930’s Essex-based Pervert community. Now, thanks to many largely unsolicited dollops of information bestowed upon us by Nana George, the world can now be fully, terrifyingly aware of the power once wielded by the flashers and fiddlers of slightly-southeast England.  

Unlike the Tory, Labor, or even British Fascist Party candidates who fought for votes and districts, the 1930’s Perverts struggled for, and undeniably won control of “the woods” of Essex, where “you couldn’t go five feet without seeing someone’s willy” (Nana George, 2010). Moreover, through savvy campaigning and slow, steady grassroots development, they were able to gain an unbreakable foothold in local movie theaters, where party members would “sit behind you and feel you up, or shake their dingles at you from across the aisle” (ibid).  

A sprawling, militant community, the Perverts operated from a highly unique political paradigm, basing their power neither on the numerical strength of their party nor their tangible influence on policy, but on the accumulation of high numbers of gropings, sneaky peeks, and broad-daylight exhibitions of their genitals. This alternate framework allowed the creativity of the Pervert community to flourish, best exemplified by one innovative, unidentified Pervert “riding through town on a bicycle, with his wotsit laid out on the crossbar” for all young ladies to see (ibid).  

Wait for the wotsit...


Despite facing overt persecution from the dominant parties (i.e. 3 days in jail for indecent exposure or sexual assault), the Perverts managed to clasp their slimy hands around high levels of power in Essex’s civil administration. One Pervert school headmaster, who “picked on [Nana George] because [she] was a ginger” and who “taught piano to a friend of [Nana George’s] and made her kiss him”, was so secure in his position and with his delinquent predilections that staff members of his school, when sending students to his office for discipline, would have to send a companion alongside them, “to stop him from doing what he wanted” (ibid). Clearly, the Pervert agenda was widely understood by the general populace, thus the realities of Pervert action in the ’30’s demands further scholarly inquiry.  

While the Pervert community ultimately lost traction, and its inexplicably concrete hold over public footpaths in the postwar years, their influence undoubtedly spread to new regions, as documented, once again, by the anecdotes of Nana George. In 1950’s South Africa, for instance, the following example of zealous Pervert activity was cited:  

“I volunteered at a hospital, and one day a doctor came in and said, “We’ve got a man who just slammed his… member… in a car door. Does anyone want to help him?”… All the nurses said no, and said they were on break, so I had to help him fill out the forms and get him to a room to be looked at… A few weeks later the same doctor came up to me and said, “Mrs. George, do you remember that unusual case a few weeks ago?” I said, “Yes, of course”, and he said, “Well, I think there’s an epidemic”… I don’t know why they had to put it in there, I can think of better places to put it.” (Nana George, 2010)  

Nana George’s musings on winkle-placement notwithstanding, this highly refined level of Pervert activity so far removed from the woods and cinemas of Essex reflects a degree of mobility and permutation that must certainly be intrinsic to the Pervert community and its methods of maintaining continuity. Further research – that is, slightly uncomfortable yet giggle-inducing questioning of Nana George – will likely reveal a considerable amount of Pervert influence over international post-colonial affairs, Cold War interchanges, the rapid development and consummation of transnational corporate power, and trends in ethnic identity-formation in the face of globalization.  

Car doors of the world may never know...


Or it’ll lead to lots of awkward laughter and more Gin & Tonic imbibing. Guess we’ll just have to see. So yeah, admit me.


About Steve and Devon

Yeah! We're the best!
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